What To Do If Your Twenty-Something Is Moving Back Home

What To Do If Your Twenty-Something Is Moving Back Home

Maybe she graduated from college and hasn’t had time to find a real job yet. Or perhaps he washed out of military training. Or, maybe college or the first job experience was a flop. Whatever the reasons, your child is moving back home. What can you do to prepare?

Have a plan/don’t wing it.

You may think you’re ready. You’re an experienced parent. You’ve known this kid for twenty plus years. He lived in your house for most of his life. You talk to her twice every day. But if your child has been living away from home, functioning as an independent adult, going backwards to living with parents might be difficult.

Imagine what your adult child may be expecting.

What does your young adult have in mind for the move back home? If he is like most, he’s anticipating good home-cooked meals, a climate controlled living space, relief from the pressures and stresses of the greater world, and for things to be a lot like his holiday visits home. Except that he expects to be respected. He’s an adult now. He probably won’t want to be micromanaged or controlled. He’ll want you to trust him to manage his own business.

And now think about what you expect.

When your daughter moves in, do you envision things running like they did when she was in high school? Will you cook her meals? How will you feel if she stays up until four a.m. and sleeps until two in the afternoon? Are you anticipating that she will behave as a responsible adult? Will you require her to get a job or take a class? Will you step back and give her trust and respect automatically, or will she have to earn it with responsible behavior? Has she been made aware of your expectations?

Perhaps this won’t be so easy after all.

Consider which kinds of rules you might implement if a young adult other than your child was moving in – perhaps a niece or nephew.

To gain some objectivity about your own child, and your role in his or her life, imagine what the arrangement might look like with a young adult you care about, but don’t plan to “parent.”

Here’s my offer to my nieces and nephews:

You can move in to the guest room rent-free if you want to go to school or look for work here. I won’t oversee you or supervise you, but I have some non-negotiable rules. Consider these rules your rent for staying here: No drugs, ever. No overnight guests, unless we have agreed well ahead of time. Don’t park behind my car or I will run into you. Clean your living space, do your laundry, take care of your own stuff, and don’t ask anything of me. Likewise, I won’t be giving you money for gas or food. I have already offered a room, rent-free; I think that’s enough.

Does your offer for a niece or nephew look like mine? Is something missing? Do you need to add specific details? If a family member of the same age came to stay in your guest room, how much “parenting” would your expect to provide?  What kind of supervision would you expect to give the niece/nephew? Should your arrangement with your own adult child be similar?

Write the plan out in a contract.

After stepping back and thinking through your new arrangement, you’re ready to make some rules. It’s best to write those down. Writing it out reduces the risk of forgetting the details and keeps everyone on track.

Sit down and discuss it together. Sign it.

To further reduce the risk of misunderstandings, it helps if parents and adult child review the written agreement together for clarity and then sign the contract. Pointing to the document and reminding one another, “We had a deal,” might be more effective later than arguing who is right and who is wrong.

Stick to it.

And finally, it will be important to stay the course and stick with the plan. No forgetting, no giving in. Failure to stick with your agreement can invite bad behavior from your budding adult child.

Dr. Deuter is a psychiatrist who specializes in the care of emerging adults.

My Tiger Parents Shaped Me Into A Hollow Young Adult: Evan Speaks on His Own Behalf

On January 20, 2014, in a blog post titled Academic Ability ≠ College Success, I wrote about struggling young man named Evan. “Evan” was based on a real person (although his name was changed for privacy). After I posted the piece, I met with Evan and asked if he would like to read it, and we began discussing the possibility that Evan might like to write for the blog in his own voice. His hope is to help parents understand that there is more to guiding adolescents than getting them into great colleges.

Dr. Deuter: You’re out of school after completing three semesters. Can you describe how you feel about your current situation?

Evan: It’s really quite hard to describe how it feels. During my last semester at school (Top 20 University in the US), last fall, I started off pretty strong; I attended all my classes, was prompt in doing homework, studied hard, and was doing quite well. Then after the first wave of midterms I slowly started to lose motivation and drive. I found myself skipping classes, my homework started to slide - not even turning it in some weeks, and studying became a thoughtless action, just open the book and read a couple of paragraphs, lose focus, reread the same paragraphs, lose focus, reread, etc... I cared really deeply about how I did in school but the care and drive to do well just tapered off to the point of nonexistence. And when I didn’t do well because I didn’t care or try, I gave up even more. It was a downward spiral and nothing stopped it.

Dr. Deuter: Do you believe you were prepared for college?

Evan: I had graduated high school as an A student from a top tier prep school, varsity soccer team captain, Eagle Scout, extracurriculars by the handful, 5’s on my AP’s, I was a sure success for college. But I fell and fell hard. I honestly did not expect this to happen, but it did reveal some glaring problems, most notably with how I was raised. My parents are Tiger Parents, through and through.

Dr. Deuter: “Tiger Parenting,” as I understand the term, means very strict oversight with a heavy focus on academic success. Is that what you mean? And what was wrong with that type of parenting, for you?

Evan: Yes, strict and big on academics is what I mean. There wasn’t one part of my upbringing that my parents didn’t have a direct hand in, especially in middle and high school. In middle school, I had just one thing on my mind and was told, encouraged, and mandated to do one thing: do well enough to get into a good high school. Then in high school, the ante got upped. I now had to do very well to get into a good college, establish a good resume for colleges, maintain and go far in all of my extracurricular activities, and I had to do all of this to the utmost level because that’s what was expected of me. My parents were very, very strict about this, to the point where it’s all the mattered in my life. It worked, I got into my number one choice school, a very good school, but even when I applied I felt a slight emptiness to myself, like I was just a robot who was programmed everyday by my parents. And then when I got to college, I stopped getting programmed. I was told that I was free and had to make decisions for myself, and I thusly fell apart. I had this hollowness, this lack of drive and motivation.

Dr. Deuter: What has been happening since you came home from college?

Evan: I was not doing well in school and am at home now for this semester. My parents have, in my eyes, reverted to their high school way of raising me, which is the worst thing they could do, and things have become rather tense. There are other exacerbating factors in the equation, but nonetheless it is tense between me and my parents. The part that gets me though is that they act like this entire situation doesn’t have an effect on me, like I just am okay with it. I am not at all. In fact I’m horribly disgusted with myself for letting it happen and am furious with myself. And yet they still, day in, day out, berate me nonstop, like it’s going to all of a sudden spark that change in me. Well it isn’t going to, just like it didn’t for all of those years before. I realize how shitty of a situation I’m in and every single second of the day I’m thinking about it, my future, and how I’m going to get out of it. It’s horrifying every day, having that sense of impending doom creep up on you.

Dr. Deuter: It sounds a little like you’re blaming your parents.

Evan: That may have come off a bit ranty and rather angry, but it’s how I honestly feel. My parents just followed a “Tiger” philosophy, but I’m a person. Parents need to know their children and know what motivates and drives them and parent them in a way so that they have the best chance of success in life and have the best chance of succeeding on their own. My parents did not do that and now the frustrations on both of our ends are creating a rather explosive relationship between us.

Dr. Deuter: Do you think your parents can help you turn things around now?

Evan: I think the solution of my situation is rather simple: let me figure out what drives myself and force myself to grow up and mature. Yes it means, I will stumble and I may need advice or some help. No it does not mean you should berate me and “Parasite Parent” (the elite level of helicopter parenting) me. Parents, especially my parents, need to try to understand how I think and work and what drives me, and if parents genuinely don’t know, then the parents need to assess their relationship with their children and figure out where it went wrong or why they don’t understand their children and work towards an understanding. Then the parents will be able to best guide their children in a successful direction. If not, overparenting will only cause tension and at worst could cause the ruin of the relationship between parent and child, as anger towards the other festers inside of each side. Let me fall, but be there to guide me and give advice. Every fall helps me build up the strength to walk and walk strong in the best direction of my life.

Dr. Deuter is a psychiatrist who specializes in the care of emerging adults.

Parental Protection: Beautiful, Or Misguided?

I am proud to live in a community that supports its special needs families. As a psychiatrist, I think it very important for the school system and citizens to rally around families who need support. My children attend public school at special needs campuses, a wonderful opportunity to practice acceptance and compassion. Many of the parents, warriors for their children’s safety and educational needs, are my neighbors and friends. I have learned up close, with none of the professional distance afforded by my doctor role, how difficult their fight can be.

Sunday afternoon, my family and I attended a birthday party for a twenty-year-old with a host of medical and mental health disabilities. She suffered perinatal brain damage, leaving her with a severe seizure disorder, language and learning deficits, and the need for chronic care. Her prized birthday gifts were a collection of Barney videos. I know first hand from conversations with her mother that sometimes the parent of a special needs child has to fight within the system. Last year, the parents decided to pull her out of high school, citing the benefits no longer outweighed the risks. Safety is tenuous in a special needs classroom much of the time.

Home from the party later, I opened up a news story on the “affluenza” case. A fan asked me my thoughts on the subject a few days ago. “Affluenza” is a term popping up everywhere I look; it was coined by a forensic psychologist to name a sort of sickness created when protective affluent parents bail a child out of trouble repeatedly and the kid never learns right from wrong. The word has been splashed all over news pages after an irresponsible, affluent teen received a light sentence for driving drunk and tragically ending innocent lives. The expert testified that the boy lacked a sense of accountability because his parents bailed him out when he made mistakes. The public outcry has many arguing the boy’s parents were misguided when they protected their son and they inadvertently created a monster.

The sort of parenting that led to the recent public tragedy is a real phenomenon is our culture. As a professional, I have met kids with “affluenza.” Parents bring teens and young adults for assessment of bad behavior, and commonly those parents have aided the development of the bad behavior by bailing their child out of trouble repeatedly. The parents argue with teachers to change failing grades, they pay fines and cover-up mischief, and eventually they hire powerful attorneys to craft elaborate defense strategies. By the time I evaluate the families, the damage has already been done.

I don’t believe “affluenza” is a legitimate legal defense, not according to the laws in my state pertaining to mental illness and criminal responsibility, but it is a serious social problem parents and professionals need to address. It is not unlike sociocultural problems we see in disadvantaged families; affluence does not protect kids from psychological problems, it just shapes them differently.

In truth, I don’t think I have ever treated a family (in any income bracket) that set out to disable a child with poor parenting decisions. Perhaps if parents did harm children purposely, they wouldn’t come seeking professional help. Instead, I imagine affluenza parents feel like champions, protecting beloved children from unjust consequences, like my friend with her twenty-year-old daughter felt when she pulled her out of school. I wonder if the so-called affluenza parents ever thought their protections were mistaken. Or did they experience themselves like the warrior moms and dads who assemble resources and do whatever it takes to ensure vulnerable children are kept safe?

Dr. Deuter is a psychiatrist who specializes in the care of emerging adults.