The Most Important Talk to Have Before Your Kid Goes to College

Money.

If your child leaves for college this fall and you haven't discussed money, it's time to talk.

During the college years, many of your discussions and most of your arguments with your child will circle back to the issue of money. Even when it’s not about money, ultimately it is about money. If he’s not making decent grades and you express disappointment, he’ll argue he’s an adult, and you’ll remind him that you helped finance his education and you want the investment used wisely. It always comes back to money.

You don’t owe your kid a college education. No one does. But if you plan on helping out financially during the college years, even if you will only be helping in the smallest ways, it is important that you and your child both understand the plan. Kids need to have a clear understanding of how college support will work. 

When it comes to money, communication is key. 
First, sit down with pen and paper in hand and jot a few notes about financial support during college. Arrange a time (soon) to review it across the table with your child. Invite her to ask questions, and give her something in writing to take away from the discussion. 

Discuss how you plan to help out.
Maybe you’re not equipped with a college savings account, or maybe you are, but does your child know what you plan to offer in support? Since every family structures support during college a little differently, don’t expect your child to know what you are planning. 

Close gaps in understanding. 
Have you explained what you expect to see for your investment? You may not want to pay for failing grades, or maybe you don’t want to pay rent if your daughter lets her boyfriend move in. Does your young adult understand her obligation to follow rules in exchange for your financial support?

If you have money in savings, who is in charge of distributing the funds? 
Some parents release funds to adult children when college begins, but most retain control of college savings and parcel money out as college progresses. Make sure your kid understands who is in charge and in control.

Will money be placed directly in your child’s hands?
Will you send money directly to your child and expect him to pay expenses, or pay the dormitory, the registrar, and the bookstore directly? Whether he has a job to learn, or he’s not part of the process, he needs to know.

What about spending allowance?
Will you provide an allowance? How will your child receive it? Check in the mail? Direct deposit? Monthly credit card limit? 

What is she expected to cover? 
Do you want her to find a job to cover non-essentials? Will you be furious if you find out she used your money to buy booze? Is she expected to buy he own clothes or pay for salon services you consider extras?

What if your plan fails?
What if your child goes over budget? What if he bounces checks or charges thousands of dollars on a credit card? What will you do if the financial arrangement is just not working? Do you have a backup plan? Explain what it is.

Dr. Deuter is a psychiatrist who specializes in the care of emerging adults.

A Parent's Effect on a Child’s Love of Responsible Adulthood

Recently I read an article: A Mother’s Effect on Her Daughter’s Self-Esteem at healthyplace.com. It opens with the following line, “Mother’s need to be deeply aware of what they convey to their daughters through the attitudes they model about their own relationship to their bodies.” I re-read that line several times, thinking about its implications beyond mothers and daughters, and beyond bodies- to entire lives. 

An equally compelling, and accurate statement would be, “Parents need to be deeply aware of what they convey to their children through the attitudes they model about their own relationship to their adult lives, responsibilities, careers, self-care practices, spirituality, marriages, and so on…”

There is a lot of talk about why emerging adults fail, why college drop out rates are as high as 46%, and why young adults can have problems in the multigenerational workplace. In my work with emerging adults, I see an increasing trend. Emerging adults are disillusioned with adult life before they begin, especially when their parents appear unhappy.

Jack, a straight A student since elementary school, came home from college after the first year wanting to quit. He said he saw no point in higher education. He called the whole exercise a fraud.

He said, “My parents told me that if I went to college I could get the job I wanted and be happy, but they’re obviously not happy. They don’t like their careers. They’re overworked and exhausted. They drink too much, never get enough sleep, and complain headaches and backaches all the time. What they offered me was a lie.”

It has been suggested in a number of research studies and scholarly resources that teacing kids gratitude promotes psychological health and resilience. But how can we teach our kids gratitude if they see we don’t possess it for our own lives?

The flight attendant reminds you, “Please place your mask on first before assisting other passengers.” If you want to help your kids grow into healthy adults, start with yourself. 

Think about what messages you convey to your kids about your life. Focus on telling them what you love about your work, your marriage, and your life. 

Create a healthy life for yourself. Build in plenty of time for rest, self-care, and spiritual practice.

Tell your kids what you’re good at.

Resist the urge to complain to your children.

Take care of your body. Exercise. Eat well.

Focus on what you are grateful for.

Communicate with your child mindfully.

Dr. Deuter is a psychiatrist who specializes in the care of emerging adults.

Prevent Your Teen From Drinking For As Long As Possible

New research findings may change the way we understand addiction.

Early Drinking, Worse Outcome

Signs of alcohol addiction first appear in early or middle adulthood, but new research tells us that the groundwork for addiction is established long before adulthood. New evidence indicates that the age when teens begin drinking has a big impact on whether they develop alcohol problems later in life. 

• The King’s College London IMAGEN project found that kids who began drinking by age 14 were more likely to be binge drinking at age 16. 
• Previous studies have found that binge drinking in adolescence leads to higher risks of alcoholism by age 25. 
• Other research has suggested adult alcohol dependence can be decreased by as much as 10% for every year that alcohol consumption is delayed during adolescence. 
• Negative life experiences increased the risk of drinking at age 14.

It turns out that the single most effective tool parents have to protect their kids from a life of alcoholism is to delay their exposure to alcohol for as long as possible. Since kids undergoing major life stressors are at highest risk, parental oversight to prevent drinking may be most important during major stressors. 

Strikingly, preventing your teen from drinking as long as possible may also protect your grandchildren from addiction risks.

A study published in the Journal of Alcoholism: Clinical and Experimental Research in 2011 showed that when male mice are given alcohol intermittently (simulating binge drinking), their offspring consume more alcohol as adults than offspring from 2 alcohol free parents.

Another study found that binge drinking alters brain structure and neuron density in key brain areas affecting learning and behavior.

The key for parents who want to protect kids form alcohol addiction: prevent your teen from drinking for as long as you can. 

In an era where parents serve alcohol to teens at home in order to prevent drunk driving, these findings clearly indicate abstinence is a better plan.

And what if your teen is already drinking? Limiting exposure (as much as you can) is still the best strategy.

Coleman Jr, Leon G., et al. "Adolescent binge drinking alters adult brain neurotransmitter gene expression, behavior, brain regional volumes, and neurochemistry in mice." Alcoholism: Clinical and Experimental Research 35.4 (2011): 671-688.

King’s College London IMAGEN project

Dr. Deuter is a psychiatrist who specializes in the care of emerging adults.

Moving Out Creates Anxiety for Introverts

Myra started her first “real” job six months ago and the adjustment has been tougher than she expected. She lived at home while she earned her bachelor’s degree. Adjusting to college had been enough without moving too. Now 90 minutes away from her parents, Myra is living on her own for the first time and tackling the start of her career. The move, the job, and the new city create a constant barrage of stimulation and leave Myra’s nervous system overloaded. Myra is an introvert.

The family never thought much about her temperament while Myra was growing up, but they are thinking about it constantly now. All the change has brought on a problem with anxiety, and Myra is coping by calling her parents for marathon support sessions lasting late into the night.

An introvert replenishes energy by spending time alone or in quiet settings. When given the option, her preference will usually be a lower stimulation environment.
As an introvert, Myra may prefer to form new relationships in small groups or one on one. She may want to work alone, uninterrupted. Meeting the need for quiet time has always been built in to Myra’s routine, but starting a new job, and a new life, is a relatively “noisy” course of events.

Being introverted is not the same thing as having anxiety, but anxiety can result when introverts lose their vital opportunities for emotional quiet. So leaving home can be a bumpy adjustment for emerging adults like Myra. The introverted person can temporarily appear to have a serious mental health problem when “fight or flight” reactions interfere with the ability to settle in to a new environment.

Susan Cain, author of Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Cant Stop Talking, advises parents of introverts to accept children for who they are, ease them into new experiences patiently, avoid labels like “shy,” realize your child may be different than you even if you are an introvert, invest in shaping malleable kids, and be alert to their passions. As kids gear up to separate from the family, a foundation of love and acceptance in the family makes a stable launch pad. But it’s important for families to expect that leaving the nest may be uncomfortable for an introverted young adult, especially when the childhood home life has been ideal. Moving out means losing the solid, secure foundation of daily life in the family home.

If you’re an introverted teen or emerging adult, or if you’re the parent of one, prepare ahead for the move-out. Discuss the adjustment well in advance. Build in opportunities after the move for support from the family and quiet time alone. Consider frequent visits by family for the first few months. Think about the need for alone time when deciding where to live, or with whom, since a boisterous roommate in a cramped space may send introverts over the anxiety cliff. Remember, self-care is not selfish. We all need to listen to our bodies for signs of excessive stress and limit activities than drain our energies.

Dr. Deuter is a psychiatrist who specializes in the care of emerging adults.