Responding to Crisis in the College Years

It’s almost time for the start of the fall semester at most colleges and universities. Does your family have a crisis plan if things fall apart for your student while he or she is away from home?

Your child goes off to college for one reason: to complete a college degree. Unfortunately, almost half the time, it doesn’t happen successfully. Why? Often because students hit major stumbling blocks and never recoup.

A crisis can come in many forms:

Missing classes
Failing grades
Substance use
Relationship Problems
Anxiety
Depression

Students in crisis may stop participating in their educations, or may risk being dismissed from school for poor grades, lack of attendance, or rule violations. 

You can help steer out of any crisis with the following steps:

Plan in advance: First, consider the possibility that things won’t go smoothly well in advance. As you begin, have a plan for how you’ll intervene if your child stops functioning/growing/benefitting from your arrangement to help them get an education.

It’s never too late to plan: Even if it’s not your first college semester, all families need a plan. A crisis doesn’t always happen in the first semester. Many students start off strong and then begin having trouble keeping pace in semester two or three or beyond.

Find out what went wrong: If your child ends up in crisis, try to understand what exactly went wrong. Does he have trouble getting to early classes? Is she overwhelmed with the number of courses she is taking? Most college failure is the result of non-academic skills- like organization and time management or behavior problems. Understanding the underlying issues can help you find solutions.

Ask for help: Seek guidance from a counselor, therapist, or educational professional to help define the problem clearly. Experienced professionals can help you define the problem, then help you come up with a plan to solve it.

Don’t send kids back without a resolution: If your child couldn’t handle college because he wasn’t coping well, or if she lacked skills, it’s important to make sure he or she has the lacking coping mechanisms and skills before returning to college to try again. Too often parents send kids back to college after a crisis without addressing any of the underlying issues that led to the crisis. Most of the time students with unresolved issues end up in crisis again.

Be kind: If your child has big college dreams and comes home feeling defeated, your disappointment or anger are just salt on the wounds. Warmth and patience will help your child and you.

But don't be a pushover. Allowing your adult child to get away with bad behavior will have your family stuck in a rut indefinitely. Being kind doesn’t mean letting your young adult run amok. Boundaries and rules are important tools for helping you son or daughter re-group.

Dr. Deuter is a psychiatrist who specializes in the care of emerging adults.

College Parents: 4 Ways to Prepare Yourself

Starting college is a milestone. For kids and for their parents.

If your child is going off to college this fall, you may be surprised at how stressed you feel. You're not the one going through a major life transition, right? Actually, transitioning into the college years is a new parenting stage for you, not just a big change for your son or daughter. College means you will be letting go of your chid, turning the reins over to him or stepping back and trusting her to function independently.

Here are 4 ways to prepare yourself:

Help your son or daughter prepare. You will probably instinctively want to help your new college student with the transition, but did you know you will be helping yourself in the process? When you discuss the adjustment to life away from home, you'll feel less worried about your child. When you go shopping for dorm supplies, you'll be assured your new college student has all the comforts of home. Whether you are supporting your child's emotional needs or stocking her up with supplies, prepping with your child helps both of you.

Prepare yourself. Expect to face some strong emotions. You might be sad, lonely, or lost when he leaves. The house will be too quiet. How will you cope with those emotions? Journal, talk to friends and loved ones, or visit with your priest, rabbi, or pastor for support. Don't underestimate the importance of dealing with your feelings.

Fill your time with something new. Sitting in your child's empty bedroom longing to have her home won't help you when she's off at college. If your life is going to feel a bit empty, fill the space with all the things you have been too busy to do. Have you ever wanted to take an oil painting class? Write a novel? Learn to play guitar? Now is the time! Schedule classes now to get started as soon as you return home from college move-in day.

Reconnect with your spouse. Parenting is a time intensive occupation and can leave partners feeling disconnected from one another. Maybe it's been years since your last date night. Plan something special after you child is safely situated on campus. How will you spend time together now that you have the opportunity? Will you travel more? Play more? Plan your next adventure. 

Dr. Deuter is a psychiatrist who specializes in the care of emerging adults.

Do Young Adults in Your Life Act Like Teenagers?

Have you noticed that some young adults still act like adolescents? You ask yourself: Isn’t he supposed to be more mature than this? Shouldn’t she behave as an adult by age eighteen? Even parents are confused when kids reach adulthood, but still seem like kids.

Actually, a young adult is not technically an adult, not according to social psychologists, and in recent years supported by neuroscience findings. He or she is an emerging adult.

Emerging adulthood is the stage in between teenager and adult. Over the past fifteen years, researchers have discovered that the human brain doesn't reach "adulthood" until around age 25. So if a young adult behaves like a teenager, maybe it is because she is more like one than you realize. An emerging adult is, in many ways, still similar to a teen. The brain is gradually moving toward adulthood from puberty until the mid twenties (or early even thirties). So of that twenty-two year old still behaves like she's sixteen, here are some ways to cope, and to encourage him or her to behave like a grown up:

Tips: 

Change your expectations. Now that you understand young adults are still growing up, try to adjust your image of this stage. If you're the parent of an emerging adult, your parenting role may not be finished just yet.

Give it time. Even the insurance companies know it gets better around age 25. In the mid twenties, there is a drastic drop in car accident rates and speeding, and lower insurance rates as a result. 

Talk to friends who've been there with emerging adults. It's helpful to have supportive friends who can reassure you that this is just a stage. Like living with a teenager, parenting an emerging adult can sometimes be stressful- especially if your expectations are unrealistic. Wise friends can help you adjust.

Communicate clearly. Set limits. A young adult who understands your expectations is more likely to meet them. Clarity is the key.

Dr. Deuter is a psychiatrist who specializes in the care of emerging adults.

The Most Important Talk to Have Before Your Kid Goes to College

Money.

If your child leaves for college this fall and you haven't discussed money, it's time to talk.

During the college years, many of your discussions and most of your arguments with your child will circle back to the issue of money. Even when it’s not about money, ultimately it is about money. If he’s not making decent grades and you express disappointment, he’ll argue he’s an adult, and you’ll remind him that you helped finance his education and you want the investment used wisely. It always comes back to money.

You don’t owe your kid a college education. No one does. But if you plan on helping out financially during the college years, even if you will only be helping in the smallest ways, it is important that you and your child both understand the plan. Kids need to have a clear understanding of how college support will work. 

When it comes to money, communication is key. 
First, sit down with pen and paper in hand and jot a few notes about financial support during college. Arrange a time (soon) to review it across the table with your child. Invite her to ask questions, and give her something in writing to take away from the discussion. 

Discuss how you plan to help out.
Maybe you’re not equipped with a college savings account, or maybe you are, but does your child know what you plan to offer in support? Since every family structures support during college a little differently, don’t expect your child to know what you are planning. 

Close gaps in understanding. 
Have you explained what you expect to see for your investment? You may not want to pay for failing grades, or maybe you don’t want to pay rent if your daughter lets her boyfriend move in. Does your young adult understand her obligation to follow rules in exchange for your financial support?

If you have money in savings, who is in charge of distributing the funds? 
Some parents release funds to adult children when college begins, but most retain control of college savings and parcel money out as college progresses. Make sure your kid understands who is in charge and in control.

Will money be placed directly in your child’s hands?
Will you send money directly to your child and expect him to pay expenses, or pay the dormitory, the registrar, and the bookstore directly? Whether he has a job to learn, or he’s not part of the process, he needs to know.

What about spending allowance?
Will you provide an allowance? How will your child receive it? Check in the mail? Direct deposit? Monthly credit card limit? 

What is she expected to cover? 
Do you want her to find a job to cover non-essentials? Will you be furious if you find out she used your money to buy booze? Is she expected to buy he own clothes or pay for salon services you consider extras?

What if your plan fails?
What if your child goes over budget? What if he bounces checks or charges thousands of dollars on a credit card? What will you do if the financial arrangement is just not working? Do you have a backup plan? Explain what it is.

Dr. Deuter is a psychiatrist who specializes in the care of emerging adults.