Let’s Say No, Because We Love Our Kids Too Much To Screw Them Up

Why do people have such a hard time saying no? Do you?

Have you ever met a person who had difficulty saying no- to friends, to significant others, to bosses? Or worse, have you seen parents who have trouble saying “no” to their kids? If you’re a therapist or otherwise work with families, you may suspect that parents who fail to say “no” represent a disproportionate percentage of those in family counseling. Saying “no” is vital to raising well-adjusted kids, but for some parents, it seems impossible.

Parents acquiesce to their kids. It appears as if the parents feel “forced” to comply with demanding kids. But then won’t those kids grow up to become demanding adults? And how will parents change the rules when those kids are adults? Will parents be held hostage to demands with no end? Will parents resort to cutting off communication entirely because they were unable to say, “No!”?

How can someone believe that their child, or even adult child, “makes” them do something, like give money they don’t really want to give, because the child would have thrown a tantrum if they had said no? 

The parents who struggle to say no to their kids have kids who struggle later on. Jack comes to mind. He is a graduate of a prestigious design program, but he doesn’t have a job. It’s been over a year since graduation, and he is dragging his feet about finding a professional job. He works in a restaurant, the same job he had during school, but he cannot afford his apartment without his parents help. So month after month, they send him money. And month after month, they threaten to cut off the funds. They tell him he needs to update his resume and send it out so he can find himself a proper job. Jack is a kind-hearted young man; he probably feels guilty for requiring assistance. But finding a job is overwhelming and keeping to the status quo with his parents is easy.

Jack’s parents say, “Well, what choice do we have? He doesn’t have a job!” They feel trapped, unable to change things.

Maybe people like Jack’s parents equate saying no with blurting out every frustration or resentment they have ever had against their loved one. Maybe they haven’t learned to say, “I love you too much to agree to something that could mess up our relationship, or your future.”

As parents, I think we should all rehearse that line. “I love you too much to agree to something that could mess up our relationship.” Or “I love you too much to be a crutch and allow you to avoid facing your problems.” Or “I love you too much to interfere with normal life lessons.” Or “I love you too much to pretend this is okay.”

Because in the end, we do love them too much to be part of their problems, right? And isn’t loving them, and demonstrating it through action, our job description as a mom or dad?

What to Do If Your College Kid is Having Psych Symptoms

A college student, now a freshman at a large state university, called my office in distress last week. He’s not sure he can make it through his first year. He was receiving care before he headed off to start his life away from parents. His diagnoses include anxiety and Autism Spectrum Disorder. I think he can be successful in college, even though he needs medication and psychotherapy. He’s bright and responsible, motivated and ambitious. But when kids struggle in college, sometimes it’s hard for families to know whether to bring them home, or encourage them to tough it out.

What would you do?

Your daughter came home during the break, and informed you that she is not doing well in college. In fact, she may not receive any credits for this semester at all. She hasn’t been attending most of her classes. She stays up half the night and then oversleeps in the mornings. She has been trying all semester to get her act together, but she is failing. Does this mean she’s depressed?

Your son came home during the holiday and spent every night out with his friends. He didn’t make curfew a single night. In the mornings, he wreaked of the previous night’s drinking and cigarette smoking. Does this mean he’s destined for the life of an alcoholic?

Your twenty year old has completed three semester of college and has made pretty good grades. She broke down over the holiday break and told you she doesn’t want to go back to college. She wants to drop out. She says she feels completely overwhelmed all of the time, and she doesn’t think she can continue on. She wants to take a leave of absence, or maybe drop out all together.

Your twenty-year-old son says he needs to drop out of college. He says he spends almost all of his time worrying that something terrible is going to happen to you at home. He sees vivid images of car crashes, brutal assaults, and kidnappings. He can’t stop worrying about the family. He says he needs to come home so he can personally observe that you’re okay. Otherwise, he will spend the rest of his time in college feeling preoccupied with his fears.

Which of these students needs to leave school and come home?

Reflect a moment. Are these individuals suffering from mental illnesses? Is it difficult to say with certainty? Where does a parent begin when trying to assess situations like the ones above?

Whether you’re the parent or a trusted advisor, consider how the stage of young adulthood might complicate the picture for any of the young adults described above. Rather than reaching for the withdrawal forms, it’s vital to consider how a college student, away from home for the first time, may plummet functionally from mild mental health or behavioral health symptoms. Many students can benefit from learning simple coping skills like time management or self-soothing. The presence of mental health symptoms does not imply disability, not for most of the people who have them.

Steps for parents with symptomatic college kids:

1.     Start by asking the advice of a professional.

2.     Look for a professional who is NOT a prescriber to offer the first opinion. Prescribers usually prescribe. If you’re uncertain whether medication is necessary, start with someone who can provide guidance, but wont necessarily take a narrow view of the situation.

3.     Keep him or her functional if that’s possible. If school withdrawal in unavoidable, push for another type of functioning as soon as possible- perhaps a part time job or a volunteer role.

4.     Think about the situation in terms of “problem,” not diagnosis. Mental health symptoms are often transient and stress induced. Young adults are in the process of defining their identities. Be cautious about adding “mentally ill” to their identities, unless you’re absolutely certain.

5.     Accept the uncertainty of young adulthood. While you have known your child his or her entre life, s/he has never been in this stage of life before. Many things are changing, including his or her coping skills and emotions.

6.     Resist the urge to compare your young adult to:

a.     An earlier stage of his or her life.

b.     Other young adults. Each young adult forges a unique path.

c.      Fully functional adults who have successfully navigated through young adulthood.

7.     Define your expectations. Do you want her to finish the semester? Should he see a counselor on campus right away?

8.     Expect to understand the symptoms more clearly with time. Don’t panic. Listen and be supportive.

14 Creative Ways for Family and Guests to Express Gratitude This Thanksgiving

Give Thanks! 

Thanksgiving is coming, and it’s time to give thanks! Many of us will sit around the dinner table on the holiday and share our “thankfuls.” Gratitude is a wonderful tradition for families and friends to share.

14 creative ways for your family and guests to express gratitude this Thanksgiving:

1.     Ask each Thanksgiving guest to write something they are thankful for on a small card and place it in a box. Draw cards one by one and let guests and family members guess who authored each gratitude.

2.     Invite family members and guests to share something for which they are thankful as they take their seats at the table one at a time.

3.     Have each person describe what s/he is thankful for during the meal. Start with the youngest person in attendance and work your way to the oldest.

4.     Ask the group to vote on one thing the entire group is most grateful for as a whole. Take suggestions, then pick a winner by show of hands.

5.     Have everyone guess what each member might be most grateful for. Then ask every person to share their biggest gratitude and see how the guesses match up!

6.     Before or after the meal, have every person draw a picture that represents what s/he is most grateful for. Display the pictures for everyone to view and discuss.

7.     Ask each person to say what s/he is most grateful for in exchange for a serving of turkey.

8.     Invite guests to think back and share what they were most grateful for during Thanksgiving dinners past. See how times change (or don’t change).

9.     Ask each family member or guest to say something they are grateful for about the guest sitting immediately to their right. Go around the table until everyone has had a turn.

10. Ask each interested guest to write a story about what it means to feel gratitude. Assign judges to read the stories and award a prize for the best one.

11. Have family members and guests act out their gratitudes in a game of charades.

12. Have each person list everything under the sun s/he can find to be grateful for. See how the lists compare and which list is most impressive.

13. Invite each person to choose a song that best embodies their gratitude. Play each song for the group.

14. Ask guests to list their gratitudes in advance. Seat guests who share similar gratitudes together and encourage them to discuss.

How ever you choose to express your gratitude this holiday, join in and be grateful. It’s a wonderful way to spend time together and remind yourselves why you go to all the trouble to gather together and share the Thanksgiving festivities.

Think You're Ready for Kids to Come Home for the Holidays?

Your kids are coming home for the holidays. Do you really know what to expect?

Sure, you raised your kid until adulthood. So you think you know what to expect when s/he heads home for the holidays this year, right? You’re a family. You know one another intimately. You’re aware of each other’s habits and living style.

But if your child has been living away from home, you may be in for a big surprise. Kids change rapidly when they live away from parents. Habits and expectations change.

With the holidays coming and your adult child heading home, are you prepared?

Do you expect it to be like it was when your child lived at home full time?
    When your child lived at home, you probably had a comfortable rhythm with one another. Your daily routines involved checking in, or maybe planning dinner together. But since your child moved out, he has begun to arrange his time around his individual needs, not those of a family. He may not be thinking about the family’s routines. He may expect to sleep in, go grab dinner alone in a restaurant, or order a pizza. How has he been handling things while he lived away? He might want to do his own thing.

Do you think s/he will want to spend some time with old friends? How much time? 
    When adult children come home for the holidays, parents are often looking forward to spending lots of time with them. During the days home, you may imagine that you and your adult daughter will sit and talk for hours, prepare meals together, or maybe even sort through the old boxes in her closet. But have you considered that she may be planning to spend much of her time with her friends? Many young adult children come home excited to see family and friends alike. Holiday trips home can span from a couple of days to a couple of weeks. If your adult child had friends to visit, those plans can cut into your family plans heavily. Its important to communicate about how much time you or child plans to spend with the family and how much she wants to go off with friends.

Have you thought about curfew during the visit? Has your adult child?
    When your kid lived at home, he probably had a curfew. But when he transitioned away from your home and out on his own, he probably started staying out as long as he liked. During the holiday stay, are you imagining he will come home by midnight like he used to, or do you think he might plan to stay out later? If you’re uncertain, its probably best to have a discussion about what time you want to lock your doors for the night.

Do plan to serve alcohol with your holiday dinner?
    Many families include alcohol as part of the family meal during the holidays. If your child is an adult, she may be accustomed to enjoying a beer or a glass of wine with her friends. She may even decide to bring a bottle of wine to the table herself. Have you considered whether you are comfortable serving her alcohol during the holidays? If you are not, or if you want to ask her to limit her intake of alcohol in some way, it might be an important talk to have before she sits down at the table and pours herself a drink.