When Best Friends Move Away

Goodbyes can be painful, especially for children. I’m reminded of this today because my daughter’s good friend is moving away over the summer, and both girls are heartbroken. They have known for months that the friend would be moving, her parent taking a new job in a far away city. But having information did not help them understand what they could do to make the transition easier.

Kids move to new cities. They transfer schools. Or they may even just move to a neighborhood in the same school district, but lose the opportunity to see one another often at the neighborhood playground.

Without experience, kids may not know how to cope with such change.

Supporting children while they manage these little goodbyes early on helps them develop a toolbox for managing the much bigger goodbyes that come later: loss and grief that are such normal occurrences in all our lives. 

1.    Plan ahead
Planning for a coming goodbye can help kids strategize. When will the friend be leaving? Where is s/he going to live? How will they keep in touch? What activities or plans would they like to make together while they have the time together?
2.    Talk about it
Parents should encourage kids to talk about their sadness or fear. Kids are likely to experience some intense emotions, and will benefit from discussing them with an adult they trust. Sorting through emotions about a friend’s move build emotional skill and resilience for coping with change and loss.
3.    Spend extra time together
Arranging opportunities to spend time together before a move or a change of school can help kids cope with the loss in smaller chunks. Rather than a flood of grief, kids can break it into smaller bits. Also, spending extra time with a friend who is going away helps build a sustainable bond that can survive the time and distance to come.
4.    Exchange a special gift
Kids often instinctively ask to make something for a friend when they’ll be parting ways, but if not, parents might suggest doing so. Making a special gift or writing a letter as a memento can give kids something to hold in their hands and use as a transitional object when they part company.
5.    Stay connected
In the current era of technology, it’s easy to stay connected with anyone. Cell phones, texting, email, FaceTime, Instagram, and a myriad of other options allow kids to continue to interact with special friends in real time. And it’s always fun to send and receive an old-fashioned letter or postcard by mail, in lieu of technology. Either way, teaching kids to stay in contact with far away friends will benefit them now, and in transitions later.

Childhood Disorders In A Forest Gump World

Last night I watched Forest Gump with my family and I was struck by the contrast between the lives of the main character, Forest, and his best friend/best girl, Jenny. While Forest has cognitive and social delays, and has an estimated IQ of 75, Jenny is a biologically normal, healthy girl from a troubled family. We might expect Forest to be the one in the movie, then, with the tragic life. Forest is different, physically and cognitively. His legs are in braces and his back is “crooked, like a question mark.” He is called “simple” and he often fails to comprehend life’s challenges. He relies on others, from his mother to his circle of friends, to insulate him from the harsh realities of life. 

Jenny is developmentally normal. She is bright and compassionate, aware of the social expectations and dangers of others around her. She seems to have a better chance at a normal life.

But there is more to the story of these 2 people’s lives than the destiny created by their biology. Forest lives in a loving home with a parent who would go to any length to provide him with a normal life. She wants him to have every opportunity a “normal” child would have. His mother is loving, kind, and encouraging. She continuously reminds her son that he can do anything he is determined to do, and Forest lives this out time and again by having the courage to try just about anything. By contrast, Jenny’s home is impoverished and abusive. Her father is shown raging at her with a bottle of liquor in his hand, and the audience is led to assume he may be sexually abusive toward her. Jenny’s life becomes tragic while her disabled friend thrives in parallel. She suffers with shame and a life a sexual acting out and substance use.

This movie portrays accurately what treatment professionals, researchers, and educators still seem to get wrong: life outcomes are more affected by the presence or absence of a loving, nurturing environment than simply by underlying neurobiology in the brain.

Whether a child suffers from an Autism spectrum disorder, dyslexia, anxiety, or any host of other cognitive or mental health issues that onset in childhood, when the child is steeped in an environment of support and encouragement, s/he can live a life of difference rather than one of disability. If, however, a child is bullied or abused in the home (kids with developmental disabilities and mental health problems are at higher risk for abuse), the risk for long term emotional and behavioral problems is heightened.

We’ve come a long way toward supporting kids who are on different developmental paths. Inclusion programs in school, education and support for parents, but we need a paradigm shift in the treatment world. Clinicians need to believe, and teach families, that all kids can achieve good outcomes and have good lives. While medical treatments have steadily increased and improved for decades, we can’t lose sight of the underlying source of our worst outcomes: unhealthy environments.

Treatments in mental health must teach families and communities how to encourage and support those with mental health and neurocognitive disorders to live full and healthy lives of independence and contribution, not disability and alienation. 

10 Quick Techniques to Lower Anxiety

When anxiety gets the best of you, you may not feel like you have time to stop and address it. But coping with anxiety can be quick work. Try these 10 quick methods to calm down now:

1.     Breathe and count

One of the best ways to manage anxiety is mindful breathing. Take a moment to focus your attention on your breathing. Count as you breathe in. Hold a moment. Then count again as you breathe out. Repeat this for 10 cycles of inhaling and exhaling. You’ll feel calmer when you finish.

2.     Find a quiet space

Sometimes life is too hectic, and everything is bombarding you all at once. With work, family, tv, radio, traffic… it’s easy to become overwhelmed. When you’re feeling stressed, step away from the circus. Close your office (or bedroom) door. Or find a nice shady spot outside. And just enjoy a moment of peace. You’ll be glad you did.

3.     Take a walk

Nature is very soothing. Exercise is a great natural treatment for anxiety. Why not get the best of both by taking a walk? Walk to work if you can, or down to the corner market. Take a walk in your neighborhood, or in a local park. Walking is a terrific way to manage anxiety, and it’s great for your overall health, too!

4.     Turn the lights down

When you’re feeling stressed and anxious, your senses can feel inundated with “too much.” Too much light, too much clutter, or too many tasks that you cannot complete. It can help to take 5 minutes to sit in the dark or semi-dark. Give your eyes a break from those harsh florescent office lights, or the flashiness of a backlit digital screen. You’ll be more relaxed.

5.     Take a water break

When we’re stressed, most of us forget self-care. But by ignoring our bodies, we accidentally elevate all the stress more. Step back from your routine, and grab a beverage. Hydrate. Take care of yourself. Relax. Ah! That’s better!

6.     Grab a hug

If you’re feeling overwhelmed, there’s nothing better than a warm hug to soothe your soul. Hugs are sometimes the best medicine. If you have a loved one or friend nearby and you’re feeling anxious, ask for a hug. You’ll be glad you did.

7.     Call or text a loved one

If there’s no one around to offer you a warm hug, sometimes a call or text to connect can feel just a good as a loving embrace. Reach out to someone with whom you feel a strong, loving bond. Say “I miss you.” Or, “I care.” Or “I’m feeling stressed.” Ask for a little of that person’s time. Your anxiety will settle down fast.

8.     Ponder on gratitudes

Gratitudes have a way of filling up our hearts and minds, and thereby pushing all our woes and worries out of the way. Take a moment to note something for which you feel truly grateful. Wallow in the gratitude. Keep your mind present for just a few moments. Now isn’t that better?

9.     Write it down

Writing is a great way to ventilate anxiety. Whether it’s a fictional story that captures all the emotions you’re feeling, a journal entry describing your difficult day, or simply a to do list with all the things you need to get done, writing something down helps bring it outside of you and you feel a little less stressed.

10. Tell yourself you’re doing a good job

Above all, make sure you’re managing your harsh inner critic if you’re feeling anxious. You’re doing your best, and that’s all you can do. So give yourself some inner words of encouragement. Tell yourself, hey, good job! It’s the kindest thing you can do.

Porn at Children's Fingertips

Smart phones may be the most amazing invention of our time. Talk, text, chat… But that’s just the beginning. You can take out your phone and in seconds have answers to previously unknown questions. How many more miles to the next turn off? What’s the capital of Venezuela? What is the average age that a child will first view pornography?

Statistics place that number somewhere between 8 and 11 years old. 

One of my own kids clicked in error at age 4 and up popped two adults having intercourse. Luckily there was a parent in the room to shut down the video quickly, and such a young child didn’t understand the image (she called it a “creepy two headed spider monster”). We learned it was time for tighter controls on technology in our home. Parental controls on desktop computers are common, but restricting access to harmful content on every device, every day is necessary to keep kids safe from adult content. How many devices in the average home offer unrestricted access to the internet?

Younger children may click the wrong button and see something they don’t understand, but when kids reach early adolescence, they might start looking for answers to questions parents’ haven’t provided. What is sex really like? A quick search turns up any number of examples of “real” sex a 5th or 6th grader can click and view.

Increasingly, parents take kids for psychological assessment after discovering the kid has been accessing pornography. Many kids (both boys and girls) are immersed in a secret, shameful world of porn viewing for months before parents catch them. Some say they feel drawn to the images, but also anxious and overwhelmed by them. Parents notice changes in mood and behavior, and only later find the underlying cause. 

What can parents do?

Prevention:

Stay up to date
    Know what technologies your kids are using. Understand what they do so you can oversee properly. Don’t allow your kids to use an app or program you don’t understand.

Technology controls
     Most technologies have the capacity for parental controls to restrict the content. If you’re not tech savvy, you may need to seek the support of an IT expert to set these up effectively. When purchasing a device for kids to use, request sales associates to install parental controls from the get go.

Supervision
    Devices in children’s bedrooms or other unsupervised areas create the greatest opportunity for inappropriate content. Bring your kids out into common areas of the home for technology usage.

If you find out your child has viewed pornography:

Ask exactly what he or she saw, and how/why the incident occurred
    Did your 5-year-old click a pop-up add? Or did your twelve-year-old search the word “sex?” 

Talk about the incident openly
    If you get angry and lose control, your child might not tell you the truth next time. If you avoid the subject because it feels awkward, your child has to sort through an adult problem alone. Gather your composure, and have a talk with the affected child.

Set rules and close the gaps
    No more internet accessing devices out of plain view. New controls. Improved oversight. If your child stumbles upon inappropriate content, you’ll want to make sure s/he can’t do it again.

If you feel overwhelmed, talk to a counselor for help
    Counseling professionals for kids and adolescents are seeing this problem more and more, and most can guide through the family talks and the new technologies. Find someone with experience and get help if you need it.