College Parents: 4 Ways to Prepare Yourself

Starting college is a milestone. For kids and for their parents.

If your child is going off to college this fall, you may be surprised at how stressed you feel. You're not the one going through a major life transition, right? Actually, transitioning into the college years is a new parenting stage for you, not just a big change for your son or daughter. College means you will be letting go of your chid, turning the reins over to him or stepping back and trusting her to function independently.

Here are 4 ways to prepare yourself:

Help your son or daughter prepare. You will probably instinctively want to help your new college student with the transition, but did you know you will be helping yourself in the process? When you discuss the adjustment to life away from home, you'll feel less worried about your child. When you go shopping for dorm supplies, you'll be assured your new college student has all the comforts of home. Whether you are supporting your child's emotional needs or stocking her up with supplies, prepping with your child helps both of you.

Prepare yourself. Expect to face some strong emotions. You might be sad, lonely, or lost when he leaves. The house will be too quiet. How will you cope with those emotions? Journal, talk to friends and loved ones, or visit with your priest, rabbi, or pastor for support. Don't underestimate the importance of dealing with your feelings.

Fill your time with something new. Sitting in your child's empty bedroom longing to have her home won't help you when she's off at college. If your life is going to feel a bit empty, fill the space with all the things you have been too busy to do. Have you ever wanted to take an oil painting class? Write a novel? Learn to play guitar? Now is the time! Schedule classes now to get started as soon as you return home from college move-in day.

Reconnect with your spouse. Parenting is a time intensive occupation and can leave partners feeling disconnected from one another. Maybe it's been years since your last date night. Plan something special after you child is safely situated on campus. How will you spend time together now that you have the opportunity? Will you travel more? Play more? Plan your next adventure. 

Dr. Deuter is a psychiatrist who specializes in the care of emerging adults.

Do Young Adults in Your Life Act Like Teenagers?

Have you noticed that some young adults still act like adolescents? You ask yourself: Isn’t he supposed to be more mature than this? Shouldn’t she behave as an adult by age eighteen? Even parents are confused when kids reach adulthood, but still seem like kids.

Actually, a young adult is not technically an adult, not according to social psychologists, and in recent years supported by neuroscience findings. He or she is an emerging adult.

Emerging adulthood is the stage in between teenager and adult. Over the past fifteen years, researchers have discovered that the human brain doesn't reach "adulthood" until around age 25. So if a young adult behaves like a teenager, maybe it is because she is more like one than you realize. An emerging adult is, in many ways, still similar to a teen. The brain is gradually moving toward adulthood from puberty until the mid twenties (or early even thirties). So of that twenty-two year old still behaves like she's sixteen, here are some ways to cope, and to encourage him or her to behave like a grown up:

Tips: 

Change your expectations. Now that you understand young adults are still growing up, try to adjust your image of this stage. If you're the parent of an emerging adult, your parenting role may not be finished just yet.

Give it time. Even the insurance companies know it gets better around age 25. In the mid twenties, there is a drastic drop in car accident rates and speeding, and lower insurance rates as a result. 

Talk to friends who've been there with emerging adults. It's helpful to have supportive friends who can reassure you that this is just a stage. Like living with a teenager, parenting an emerging adult can sometimes be stressful- especially if your expectations are unrealistic. Wise friends can help you adjust.

Communicate clearly. Set limits. A young adult who understands your expectations is more likely to meet them. Clarity is the key.

Dr. Deuter is a psychiatrist who specializes in the care of emerging adults.

The Most Important Talk to Have Before Your Kid Goes to College

Money.

If your child leaves for college this fall and you haven't discussed money, it's time to talk.

During the college years, many of your discussions and most of your arguments with your child will circle back to the issue of money. Even when it’s not about money, ultimately it is about money. If he’s not making decent grades and you express disappointment, he’ll argue he’s an adult, and you’ll remind him that you helped finance his education and you want the investment used wisely. It always comes back to money.

You don’t owe your kid a college education. No one does. But if you plan on helping out financially during the college years, even if you will only be helping in the smallest ways, it is important that you and your child both understand the plan. Kids need to have a clear understanding of how college support will work. 

When it comes to money, communication is key. 
First, sit down with pen and paper in hand and jot a few notes about financial support during college. Arrange a time (soon) to review it across the table with your child. Invite her to ask questions, and give her something in writing to take away from the discussion. 

Discuss how you plan to help out.
Maybe you’re not equipped with a college savings account, or maybe you are, but does your child know what you plan to offer in support? Since every family structures support during college a little differently, don’t expect your child to know what you are planning. 

Close gaps in understanding. 
Have you explained what you expect to see for your investment? You may not want to pay for failing grades, or maybe you don’t want to pay rent if your daughter lets her boyfriend move in. Does your young adult understand her obligation to follow rules in exchange for your financial support?

If you have money in savings, who is in charge of distributing the funds? 
Some parents release funds to adult children when college begins, but most retain control of college savings and parcel money out as college progresses. Make sure your kid understands who is in charge and in control.

Will money be placed directly in your child’s hands?
Will you send money directly to your child and expect him to pay expenses, or pay the dormitory, the registrar, and the bookstore directly? Whether he has a job to learn, or he’s not part of the process, he needs to know.

What about spending allowance?
Will you provide an allowance? How will your child receive it? Check in the mail? Direct deposit? Monthly credit card limit? 

What is she expected to cover? 
Do you want her to find a job to cover non-essentials? Will you be furious if you find out she used your money to buy booze? Is she expected to buy he own clothes or pay for salon services you consider extras?

What if your plan fails?
What if your child goes over budget? What if he bounces checks or charges thousands of dollars on a credit card? What will you do if the financial arrangement is just not working? Do you have a backup plan? Explain what it is.

Dr. Deuter is a psychiatrist who specializes in the care of emerging adults.

A Parent's Effect on a Child’s Love of Responsible Adulthood

Recently I read an article: A Mother’s Effect on Her Daughter’s Self-Esteem at healthyplace.com. It opens with the following line, “Mother’s need to be deeply aware of what they convey to their daughters through the attitudes they model about their own relationship to their bodies.” I re-read that line several times, thinking about its implications beyond mothers and daughters, and beyond bodies- to entire lives. 

An equally compelling, and accurate statement would be, “Parents need to be deeply aware of what they convey to their children through the attitudes they model about their own relationship to their adult lives, responsibilities, careers, self-care practices, spirituality, marriages, and so on…”

There is a lot of talk about why emerging adults fail, why college drop out rates are as high as 46%, and why young adults can have problems in the multigenerational workplace. In my work with emerging adults, I see an increasing trend. Emerging adults are disillusioned with adult life before they begin, especially when their parents appear unhappy.

Jack, a straight A student since elementary school, came home from college after the first year wanting to quit. He said he saw no point in higher education. He called the whole exercise a fraud.

He said, “My parents told me that if I went to college I could get the job I wanted and be happy, but they’re obviously not happy. They don’t like their careers. They’re overworked and exhausted. They drink too much, never get enough sleep, and complain headaches and backaches all the time. What they offered me was a lie.”

It has been suggested in a number of research studies and scholarly resources that teacing kids gratitude promotes psychological health and resilience. But how can we teach our kids gratitude if they see we don’t possess it for our own lives?

The flight attendant reminds you, “Please place your mask on first before assisting other passengers.” If you want to help your kids grow into healthy adults, start with yourself. 

Think about what messages you convey to your kids about your life. Focus on telling them what you love about your work, your marriage, and your life. 

Create a healthy life for yourself. Build in plenty of time for rest, self-care, and spiritual practice.

Tell your kids what you’re good at.

Resist the urge to complain to your children.

Take care of your body. Exercise. Eat well.

Focus on what you are grateful for.

Communicate with your child mindfully.

Dr. Deuter is a psychiatrist who specializes in the care of emerging adults.