13 Ways to Stop Being Part of the Problem This Holiday

Nearly everybody travels to see family for the holidays or hosts guests at home. Whether your family is nearby or far, far; getting together with family is tradition. Mental health professionals spend weeks leading up to these visits and then weeks afterward hearing about the struggles of family drama. Playing host can be stressful, (but at least you get to sleep in your own bed). Traveling over the river and through the woods can be overwhelming, (or seem easier than welcoming a house full of guests). Whatever your stressor, it might be worthwhile to stop honing in on everyone else’s shortcomings and instead think about your own. Maybe you can do better, and maybe your can improve the holiday stress for the whole family.

Shift your attention to these 13 areas of self-management and enjoy a brighter holiday:

1. Treat difficult family members the way you believe people ought to treat others-instead of acting on your emotions or treating them the way it seems they “deserve” to be treated. Unpleasant behavior just makes things worse for everyone, deserved or otherwise.

2. Focus on the positives. Everyone has something good to offer. Instead of spending your time thinking about what everyone is doing wrong, stop and consider how hard they are working to get some things right. Notice when your brother bites his tongue at an offensive remark, or when your cousin stays longer to appease grandma instead of sneaking off to see her friends. Appreciate these little attempts to create harmony.

3. Adapt to the traditions. Maybe you wish things could be more like the good ole days, or maybe your in-laws have some strange customs. No matter what feels out of place, adjust your expectations to make it work. Adopt new traditions. Be flexible.

4. Say no. If you’re feeling too overwhelmed or annoyed to participate in one more game of canasta, or if you just cannot stomach another trip to the mall, speak up and opt out. Saying yes to activities that make you grouchy or tap your energies will not add joy to the season. Overwhelming yourself can lead to bad behavior later.

5. Be present. Put down your cell phone for a little while. Stop daydreaming. Tune-in to what’s right in front of you and notice all the little joys of family members. Staying mindfully present staves off the grumpies by keeping you from fantasizing about being somewhere else- somewhere quieter, with cooler family members. 

6. Rest. Sleep in. Nothing contributes to the stress of the holidays more universally than fatigue. Flying in causes jet lag, driving long distances hurts your back and tires you out, and even just keeping pace with all the activities can drain your energies. So, head to bed early or catch an afternoon nap. You’ll be better company.

7. Play. Laugh. Build a Lego project with the kids. Toss around a football or make paper airplanes. Be a kid again, not just a sullen grown-up. Holiday gatherings should be fun. Have a little.
 
8. Sneak off for a little alone time now and then. Take a walk outside, or make a run for some last minute stocking stuffers, do whatever is necessary to take care of yourself. Don’t push yourself to overdo together time. Take a break when you need one.

9. Entertain yourself. Don’t expect your host or hostess to keep you happy during the stay, bring something to do for yourself. Whether it’s a crafting project or settling down with a good book, have an activity you can use to get out of the way or recharge your batteries.

10. Look for family friendly activities that include the whole bunch, whatever the ages. Board games, card games, or traditional holiday movies can be fun ways for the family to connect. You’re gathering to make memories. Make some good ones.

11. Help out. If someone else is doing the cooking, offer to run to the grocery store for forgotten items, or help set the table or wash the dishes afterward. The best guests are the helpful ones, so hop up and offer a hand!

12. Say please and thank you. Even if you’re visiting your parents, remember they’ve worked hard to make the festivities come together for the family this holiday. Be a gracious houseguest or host. When you want something from the fridge or help with a task, ask nicely. Don’t be bossy or ungrateful.

13. Cut down on the booze. Many a family meltdown has begun because of holiday spirits. Drinking alcohol leads to a release of the inhibitions. And, even if you’re the jovial drinker, alcohol disrupts sleep quality and can lead to fatigue, impatience, and the eventual loss of control. Do yourself a favor and don’t overdo the holiday drink.

13. Let go of your expectations. Your biggest enemy this holiday may be the images you’re carrying around in your mind of something better. You get what you get when it comes to family. Don’t complain; just accept the family, the customs, the accommodations, and the whole package. 

Let’s Say No, Because We Love Our Kids Too Much To Screw Them Up

Why do people have such a hard time saying no? Do you?

Have you ever met a person who had difficulty saying no- to friends, to significant others, to bosses? Or worse, have you seen parents who have trouble saying “no” to their kids? If you’re a therapist or otherwise work with families, you may suspect that parents who fail to say “no” represent a disproportionate percentage of those in family counseling. Saying “no” is vital to raising well-adjusted kids, but for some parents, it seems impossible.

Parents acquiesce to their kids. It appears as if the parents feel “forced” to comply with demanding kids. But then won’t those kids grow up to become demanding adults? And how will parents change the rules when those kids are adults? Will parents be held hostage to demands with no end? Will parents resort to cutting off communication entirely because they were unable to say, “No!”?

How can someone believe that their child, or even adult child, “makes” them do something, like give money they don’t really want to give, because the child would have thrown a tantrum if they had said no? 

The parents who struggle to say no to their kids have kids who struggle later on. Jack comes to mind. He is a graduate of a prestigious design program, but he doesn’t have a job. It’s been over a year since graduation, and he is dragging his feet about finding a professional job. He works in a restaurant, the same job he had during school, but he cannot afford his apartment without his parents help. So month after month, they send him money. And month after month, they threaten to cut off the funds. They tell him he needs to update his resume and send it out so he can find himself a proper job. Jack is a kind-hearted young man; he probably feels guilty for requiring assistance. But finding a job is overwhelming and keeping to the status quo with his parents is easy.

Jack’s parents say, “Well, what choice do we have? He doesn’t have a job!” They feel trapped, unable to change things.

Maybe people like Jack’s parents equate saying no with blurting out every frustration or resentment they have ever had against their loved one. Maybe they haven’t learned to say, “I love you too much to agree to something that could mess up our relationship, or your future.”

As parents, I think we should all rehearse that line. “I love you too much to agree to something that could mess up our relationship.” Or “I love you too much to be a crutch and allow you to avoid facing your problems.” Or “I love you too much to interfere with normal life lessons.” Or “I love you too much to pretend this is okay.”

Because in the end, we do love them too much to be part of their problems, right? And isn’t loving them, and demonstrating it through action, our job description as a mom or dad?

What to Do If Your College Kid is Having Psych Symptoms

A college student, now a freshman at a large state university, called my office in distress last week. He’s not sure he can make it through his first year. He was receiving care before he headed off to start his life away from parents. His diagnoses include anxiety and Autism Spectrum Disorder. I think he can be successful in college, even though he needs medication and psychotherapy. He’s bright and responsible, motivated and ambitious. But when kids struggle in college, sometimes it’s hard for families to know whether to bring them home, or encourage them to tough it out.

What would you do?

Your daughter came home during the break, and informed you that she is not doing well in college. In fact, she may not receive any credits for this semester at all. She hasn’t been attending most of her classes. She stays up half the night and then oversleeps in the mornings. She has been trying all semester to get her act together, but she is failing. Does this mean she’s depressed?

Your son came home during the holiday and spent every night out with his friends. He didn’t make curfew a single night. In the mornings, he wreaked of the previous night’s drinking and cigarette smoking. Does this mean he’s destined for the life of an alcoholic?

Your twenty year old has completed three semester of college and has made pretty good grades. She broke down over the holiday break and told you she doesn’t want to go back to college. She wants to drop out. She says she feels completely overwhelmed all of the time, and she doesn’t think she can continue on. She wants to take a leave of absence, or maybe drop out all together.

Your twenty-year-old son says he needs to drop out of college. He says he spends almost all of his time worrying that something terrible is going to happen to you at home. He sees vivid images of car crashes, brutal assaults, and kidnappings. He can’t stop worrying about the family. He says he needs to come home so he can personally observe that you’re okay. Otherwise, he will spend the rest of his time in college feeling preoccupied with his fears.

Which of these students needs to leave school and come home?

Reflect a moment. Are these individuals suffering from mental illnesses? Is it difficult to say with certainty? Where does a parent begin when trying to assess situations like the ones above?

Whether you’re the parent or a trusted advisor, consider how the stage of young adulthood might complicate the picture for any of the young adults described above. Rather than reaching for the withdrawal forms, it’s vital to consider how a college student, away from home for the first time, may plummet functionally from mild mental health or behavioral health symptoms. Many students can benefit from learning simple coping skills like time management or self-soothing. The presence of mental health symptoms does not imply disability, not for most of the people who have them.

Steps for parents with symptomatic college kids:

1.     Start by asking the advice of a professional.

2.     Look for a professional who is NOT a prescriber to offer the first opinion. Prescribers usually prescribe. If you’re uncertain whether medication is necessary, start with someone who can provide guidance, but wont necessarily take a narrow view of the situation.

3.     Keep him or her functional if that’s possible. If school withdrawal in unavoidable, push for another type of functioning as soon as possible- perhaps a part time job or a volunteer role.

4.     Think about the situation in terms of “problem,” not diagnosis. Mental health symptoms are often transient and stress induced. Young adults are in the process of defining their identities. Be cautious about adding “mentally ill” to their identities, unless you’re absolutely certain.

5.     Accept the uncertainty of young adulthood. While you have known your child his or her entre life, s/he has never been in this stage of life before. Many things are changing, including his or her coping skills and emotions.

6.     Resist the urge to compare your young adult to:

a.     An earlier stage of his or her life.

b.     Other young adults. Each young adult forges a unique path.

c.      Fully functional adults who have successfully navigated through young adulthood.

7.     Define your expectations. Do you want her to finish the semester? Should he see a counselor on campus right away?

8.     Expect to understand the symptoms more clearly with time. Don’t panic. Listen and be supportive.