Save Your Child Years of Therapy By Doing This One Thing

Working with teens and young adults, I often spend time talking with their parents, too. Many parents express regret about what they didn’t know when the kids were younger. Parents wish they had seen forward to the potential consequences of decisions made years before. Last week I heard a mom say, “I could have saved my son years of therapy if I had learned to let a few things go.” 

Little issues or big ones, knowing when to let it go is the hardest, but most important lesson a parent must learn.

Let your expectations go.
    When you begin your journey as a parent, you may believe you know what’s in store. You’ve been around long enough to see how it works. Maybe you’re already the favorite auntie or uncle or stepparent. But each child, family, and relationship is different. 
How to let it go: Wipe the slate clean and rid yourself of any fantasies you may have regarding an ideal child, family life, or relationship. Who knows what it will be? You’ll have to take it one stage at a time, and see where the adventure takes you. Otherwise, you might spend your energy coping with frustration about what isn’t, rather than enjoying what is. 
Save your child at least a year of therapy focused on trying to understand why s/he wasn’t ever “good enough” to satisfy Mom or Dad. 

Let a routine go.
    Structured routines are important for children. Meal times, bedtimes, night-night stories and weekly activities. The rhythms of each day, month, week, and year are a comfort and a compass to growing kids. But sometimes the routines feel hectic and stressful. Sometimes getting to bed is more important than reading for twenty minutes. It’s important to let the routine go when the routine ceases to be a comfort, and instead becomes a stressor.
How to let it go: Use your routines as a rough guide rather than a rigid requirement. Follow the schedule 85-90% of the time. But on Saturday night, stay up a little later to watch a family movie. Or skip a sports practice to arrive early for the choir concert.
Save your child the pain of years of trying to achieve absolute perfection, and the therapy to correct it later.

Let control go.
    As parents, we are responsible for managing our kids when they are young, and teaching them to manage themselves later on. As a parent, you make the rules and see to it that the rules get followed. But sometimes you might be controlling too many things, too much of the time. Excessive control leaves kids frustrated and angry.
How to let it go: Start relinquishing control by offering kids choices. “Would you like carrots or broccoli with dinner?” Ask yourself which decisions are written in stone, and which ones can be flexible. Let your child make decisions on his or her own, increasing the number of decisions with age.
Save your child feelings of incompetence and ineffectiveness later on, and the therapy sessions aimed at addressing a lingering sense of inadequacy.

Let an argument go.
    We all like to be right. And as parents, we also like to be in charge. Unfortunately, the combination might leave you wanting to hammer a point into the ground until a child (especially a teenager) acquiesces. But heated arguments rooted in conflict rarely change minds. Sometimes it’s better to stop arguing rather than try to win.
How to let it go: When an argument is going nowhere, consider just agreeing to disagree. Say, “I know you believe a 2 am curfew is reasonable, but I disagree. Let’s end this discussion.” You don’t have to “give in.” You can just end the conversation when it’s clear you’re at an impasse. 
Save your child time in couple’s counseling, where s/he would end up working on skills for compromise and partnering.

Let go and let them handle their own mistakes.
    As kids grow up and exert free will, they will inevitably make mistakes. You will warn them, educate them about the risks, and explain the consequences for years. But eventually, kids become independent operators, and they will need to handle decisions and mistakes all on their own. Resist the temptation to step in when they make mistakes they’re ready to handle.
How to let it go: When you see your child facing the consequences of a mistake s/he has made, pause before jumping in. Ask yourself if you can trust him or her to take care of the situation. Give him/her enough space to try, and only help if you are asked.
Save your child feelings of helplessness and overwhelming dependency, and the therapy to aid in correcting it.

Saying "Get Out!" to an Adult Child

Leaving home is difficult under the best of circumstances: when parents and adult kids have had time to prepare, and everyone parts with warm hugs and well wishes. But sometimes kids get pushed out abruptly and that’s even harder.

The parents of an eighteen year old sat in my office today worrying that their daughter might push the limits to the point that have to ask her to leave when she graduates in May. She’s been skipping school, breaking curfew, and she no longer wants to take direction from her parents. Almost daily, she shouts, “I’m an adult!” at them. She’s ready to fly out on her own, finished with accepting orders from parents.

Parents boot teens or young adults out of their homes for a variety of problems: disrespectful behavior, drug or alcohol use, violating rules, failing to get a job. Whatever the reasons, most parents find it very difficult to ask a child to move out. The parents today said, “What if she never forgives us?” and “What if she ends up on the street?”

If they tell her to leave, I imagine she will feel hurt and abandoned. She might be enraged. She may lash out.

But what if they let her stay, and things just get worse? What kind of person will she become if she continues to practice aggressive, selfish, childish disregard for the rules in her parents’ house? Or alternatively, what if she’s right in assuming her parents don’t deserve her respect? What if she’s justified in her anger about rules that are unpredictable, unreasonable, and unfair? Either way, when a young adult wants to run her own life on her own terms, it’s time to leave home. In the end, leaving home is the better option when young adults are not thriving in the parents’ house. 

In spite of parents’ reservations, angry, defiant behavior often improves when kids leave their parents home. Whether they find jobs, stay with friends or family, or attend schools, stepping away from parents helps young adults become more responsible and more accountable. Life away from home creates simple measures of accountability: the rent is due on the first of the month, pay is calculated based on the number of hours worked, cell phone plans cost a predetermined amount of money. Out in the real world, young adults can escape emotional entanglement with their parents and just function within the bounds of the contracts they choose to enter.

I hope the parents don’t have to pack a bag and put their daughter out, but if they do, I think she’s ready. She’s strong and resourceful enough to leave experienced parents feeling overwhelmed. And in a few years, I think the family will heal after facing a difficult collective transition out of the stage of childhood and into full adulthood.

13-30, The Road Toward Adulthood

I’m surprised by the numbers of families that seem unprepared for progressive stages of adolescence and young adulthood. Parents are shocked by rebelliousness and rejection; the age-old steps kids take toward leaving their parents.

Kids don’t magically leave home in a moment. The progressive steps in the path toward leaving the family begin way back in middle school. Here’s a quick map for the parent of a 13 year old who asked me last week, “What am I supposed to expect from here on out?”:

Friend groups, school dances, and homework:
•    Early steps toward leaving home begin in middle school.
•    Teens begin to cling to their peers. 
•    They develop an identity apart from the family. 
•    In adolescence, they develop a skill set for independence: 
     o    Through gossip, close friendships, conflicts, and heartbreaks, they learn to navigate intimate partnerships and understand their emotions. 
     o    Through independent schoolwork or other problem solving pursuits, they learn to work responsibly, without parental oversight. 
•    When impulses cause them to act thoughtlessly, they learn that their choices have consequences. 
•    By the time kids reach legal adult age, they have acquired a wide range of precursor skills for relationships and occupations in adulthood. 
•    Parents allow kids to experience greater levels of independence and unsupervised time. We begin trusting them to figure things out on their own.

Stepping out the door and into the larger (sort-of) world:
•    Whether they step out after high school to start higher ed, or begin a job and try to support themselves, leaving home gives kids their first glimpse of the bigger world.
•    But usually the world of a new adult is comparatively small (so don’t worry Moms and Dads, they can handle it).
•    Living outside the parents home allows new adults to learn managing their time and money and other resources independently.
•    They choose a path, and often need to change course, teaching them they must make mistakes and learn.
•    Early life away from parents often becomes difficult.
•    Sometimes young adults return home to regroup after the reality of grow-up life hits too hard.
•    Parents let them come and go, even amid fears that they don’t seem fully ready to go.

When the skillset is big enough to fly unassisted:
•    After acquiring the requisite skills and bouncing closer and farther away from parents, they finally truly take over. 
•    They stop needing reassurance from parents that they’re doing things right.
•    They trust themselves and make decisions confidently.
•    They fly out on their own entirely.
•    And then parents let them go, and turn attention fully to their next phase of life as empty nesters.

Of course, this is a broad sketch. There’s always more. Comment and tell me: What would you add?

Don’t Consult the Doctor

It seems like every time you turn around, someone is advising you to, “Ask your doctor.” Miss a day of work? Better go see a doctor to find out what’s wrong. Fever? Ask your doctor. Tired? Ask your doctor; it might be depression. Trouble managing your child’s behavior? Ask your doctor if your child may have ADHD or Oppositional Defiant Disorder. 

Many doctors are wise, resourceful, and helpful, but I don’t think we have enough doctors to answer all of these questions. Doctors’ schedules are overbooked and wait times are unreasonable. There are plenty of situations when you shouldn’t (at least not as the first option) consult a doctor.

Don’t go see your doctor when you have a simple, mild virus.
Unless you’re in frail health, you don’t really need to go to the doctor for a basic cold, or often even for the flu. Most people need to stay in bed, stay hydrated, and wait it out. If your symptoms are severe and you can’t keep fluids down, that’s when it’s time to call your doctor for an appointment.

Don’t make an appointment with your doctor for tiredness, low energy, or fatigue when you know the reason is your recent lifestyle.
If you’ve been burning the candle at both ends, up late, up early, chugging too much caffeine and overdoing the alcohol, you don’t need your doctor to tell you why you’re feeling run down. Take a self-care day and get some rest. Slow down. Cut out non-essential commitments, like socializing with co-workers, and take a nap midday. Turn in early. Sleep in late. Ask your spouse to get the kids ready so you can get some rest. Or cut out TV for a couple of weeks and get in bed earlier. Cut back on caffeine and alcohol. Eat healthy foods. If rest and self-care don’t make you feel better, then it’s time to assess things with the help of your doctor.

Don’t call your doctor when your family member (even when he or she has mental illness) gets angry with you for something reasonable.
When family members have depression or bipolar disorders, it can be scary to see them upset, but sometimes their behavior is normal for the situation. If you’ve had an argument with your family member, even if he or she has a mental illness, first ask yourself whether the argument was the kind of interaction that happens when most people get upset. Most of us get a little unreasonable when our feelings are hurt or when we feel misunderstood. We may yell, or say something hurtful, but arguments usually subside and apologies are made. The exception, or course, is when you have a safety concern. If you think your angry family member won’t be safe, call someone right away.

Don’t call a doctor for advice about disobedient children.
Most doctors are experts in the prescribing of medication. If you’re just beginning to tackle a child behavior problem, consider a counselor or a play therapist first. Your pediatrician has short appointments, and even if s/he has great advice to offer, there probably won’t be enough time to catch it all. Increasingly, pediatrics offices are employing counseling professionals in their clinics to address behavior. If your clinic has a counselor, ask to speak to that person first. If not, find a professional in your community who works with kids and parents to address behavior. A good counselor will tell you if your child needs a medical assessment.

Don’t ask a doctor to assess your relationship problem.
Like child behavior problems, adult relationship problems are best addressed first in counseling. Counseling appointments are longer and you'll be able to meet with your counselor more often. If one or the other partner needs a medical referral, a good counselor will let you know.