10 Reasons I’m Grateful This Morning. What’s Your List?

Every week, I write a blog post, and much of the content is heavy. I write about mental health: disparities in care, coping with illness, and professionals fighting for our patients’ rights. I write about parenting: stages of development, the importance of providing structure, discipline and love so kids can grow up with the best chance at psychological wellness. But today, I woke up to write and I felt light. Today I feel full of gratitude.

Gratitude is the best. Read anything on feeling good, whether written by a physician, a life coach, a religious guru, or a mom blogger, and you’ll read that counting your blessings is good medicine. Yet sometimes, counting blessings is a chore. And then once in a while comes a day when you wake up feeling full of awareness of the blessings in your life. Well, today is one of those days for me. 

Here’s my list of reasons I feel blessed on this beautiful spring morning. What’s yours?

1.    The sun is shining, the birds are singing, and the spring flowers are starting to bloom.
Here in the Texas hill country, we start seeing bluebonnets this time of year. Between the morning birds that woke me, and the bluebonnets blooming on the side of the road, the renewal of spring is everywhere. I love spring.
2.    There is a sleeping dog on the bed next to me.
I sat down to write, and there is a little black dog lying on the bed beside me with her eyes closed. She’s a mischievous pup most of the time. Open the door without taking special care, and she runs off to escape the fence and make trouble in a neighbor’s yard. But this morning, she’s dosing and docile. 
3.    I received a random text message from an old friend today, just saying, “I’m thinking of you.”
Random contacts from friends are the best, and this morning I had two. But one was extra special- a friend I don’t see much, but think of often. And this morning, she reached out just to say “hello.” How very kind.
4.    Working with committed, passionate professionals.
My second morning contact was from a colleague, a wonderful, passionate therapist just checking in on the folks we mutually provide care for. Anytime a mental health professional can get a colleague on the phone to collaborate, it’s a wonderful blessing, indeed!
5.    Starting a new adventure this week and much of the work is done.
This week, my life is changing. I’m opening a new mental health urgent care/ after hours clinic, taking walk-in traffic, and trying to fill a much needed gap in the mental health community. The adventure starts tomorrow, and I’m ready.
6.    Watching while kids grow in to the next stage.
On the way out the door to school, I spotted something incredible: My teenager had written himself a reminder note and posted it one the bathroom mirror. Unprompted, unsupervised. It’s a glorious morning for sure!
7.    Laughter in the car in the morning.
I love to hear my kids laugh. I don’t know what got them going this morning, but they were rolling and writhing thunderously for ten minutes solid. I couldn’t help but laugh along even though I never heard the joke. 
8.    Lunch with a surrogate Dad.
Mentors are always a source for gratitude. For a busy professional to take the time to connect, teach, support… That one fills me with gratitude all the way to the top.
9.    Supportive people all around me.
I’m not sure how I managed to be surrounded by so many amazing people. I can’t take any credit. One by one, incredible people have stumbled into my life and hung around. Friends, colleagues, employees, and family. Wow! I’m grateful for every one of them.
10.    Health, stability, love, passion, hard work realized, and anticipation of what comes next.
Maybe most of all, I woke this morning feeling grateful after months of unbelievable hard work. Now the heavy lifting is finished, things are in place upon a solid foundation built by all the people and scenarios listed above, and the fun can begin.

11 Reasons to Drop Everything and Go Have Fun With Your Kids

Spring break for a family comes as an oasis in the seemingly never-ending school year. But while kids are all too ready for a break from school, even when parents take time off from work for the week, we can find it hard to unplug from our responsibilities. With smartphones (those tiny computers in our pockets that make it possible to read emails from anywhere), we can work on days off. But should we?

Here are reasons we should all ignore those expense reports and dirty dishes, and put off the To Do list until next week:

1. Because laughter is good for our health
    From heart health to mental health, studies have long shown that having a good laugh is good for our health. And who better to make us laugh than our silly kiddos?

2. Because work can wait
    While it may feel like the office can’t afford a day without us, that’s probably untrue. The sense of urgency we feel is more about perception than reality.

3. Because we can stress again later (and probably will)
    Life is stressful enough without stressing on days off. There is plenty if opportunity to fret about work during workdays, and no value in stressing on days away from the office.

4. Because our kids will only be this age for a little while
    Kids grow through stages of development at alarming rates. We have to stop and enjoy them as often as possible, knowing that very soon we will be nostalgic for these “good old days.”

5. Because sharing time with the people we love feels good
    Family fun is a joy for kids and parents. Taking the time to go play with them give us a much needed dose of entertainment.

6. Because we’ve been missing all the fun
    Parents seem to work, work , work. Whether we’re going to an office, or shuttling kids to activities, the business of parenting is usually work. It’s our turn to get in on some of the fun during spring break.

7. Because kids need to know they are a priority
    While we are busy providing food, shelter, and clothing, we may be forgetting to show our kids what’s most important to us: them. Putting work on hold for the family sends an important message about our priorities

8. Because going to the same old places is b-o-r-i-n-g
    Adventuring out to new places breaks the monotony of regular life, for kids and parents!

9. Because we need to tune in and be present in the moment
    Kids and parents alike benefit from mindful parental presence. They need us to stop daydreaming (and checking our devices) and be in the moment. They’ll feel more connected, and so will we.

10. Because our kids need to see us take care of ourselves
    Watching us is teaching our kids how to live like an adult. We need to make sure they see us relax and include a little self-care in the mix.

11. Because after a vacation, work efficiency improves
    Work efficiency drops as fatigue sets in. So take a break, enjoy the kids, and return to work rested and ready to get more done. 

Good Grief, Stop Shaming People! (and Dogs)

Public shaming has been in the spotlight recently via social media; parents making their children (and pets) hold up “shaming signs” for photos and then posting those on Facebook and Instagram for friends and family to view. While the pets may be equipped to move on without any harm done, humans store painful memories internally.

A father of a ten-year-old boy told me today, “I want to shame him. I want him to be sorry for what he did. I want him to learn not to make the mistake again.” 

This father may want his son to be remorseful, but he probably does not want him to be truly ashamed. Shame, the feeling of “I am bad,” is not the same thing as regret, “I made a mistake.”

A woman referencing something she had heard discussed by a group of friends said, “I’m going to start shaming people who put their stinky feet on my seat on airplanes. Then they will learn.” 

But they won’t learn. Not from shaming. If you shame the guy with the stinky feet, you’ll hurt him, but you probably won’t teach him a lesson. He will feel wounded and maybe he will lash out at you. Or perhaps he will chug down a couple of alcoholic drinks on the plane to get rid of the “I am bad” feeling. Or maybe he will buy himself a bag of cookies and binge on those during his stopover. But he won’t be likely to learn.

Remorse teaches regret. If you want others to feel regret, embarrassment and public attacks are not the way. Shame leads to self-loathing; and self-loathing can contribute to addiction, depression, eating disorders and a host of other harmful stuff. Shame is not a good teacher. Not for our children, not for other adults, not for anyone. 

If you hope to correct and unwanted behavior, try these things instead:

Give feedback.
    Feedback is saying, “This is how you your behavior affects others.” Telling someone how their actions affect others is a good way to begin a conversation about changing unwanted behavior.

Confront.
    Confrontation means telling someone what you really think. “Hey, please don’t put your feet on my chair. I think you’re being very rude.”

Ask for change.
    If someone you know is repeatedly rude or insensitive, tell the person how s/he affects you, and then ask them to change. Saying which behavior you would like to see instead increases the likelihood you’ll see a change.

Be straightforward. Don’t hint.
    Saying what you really mean, in a direct way, can help change behavior. Telling a stranger who cut in line, “Ma’am, the line starts back there. We have been waiting here,” is more likely to get the person to the back of the line than muttering under your breath, “Look at that! Can you believe her nerve?” Most people who are engaging in unwanted behavior are less aware than you may assume. Come right out with it, explain your concerns clearly.

Have the conversation privately.
    Above all, give your feedback and request change in a respectfully private manner. Publicly embarrassing someone for wrongdoing is not necessary, or helpful. Handle the situation the way you would like it handled if the offensive behavior was coming, unknowingly, from you.

Do We Really Listen to Our Kids?

How many times each week do our kids try talk to us and we aren’t truly listening? Whether your toddler is calling to you across the dinner table, or your teen is hinting he needs advice about dating, are you tuned-out or tuned-in? We all forget to tune in. Maybe we’re busy on Facebook, or maybe we’re working on something with a deadline. Or perhaps we’re just daydreaming. Or we assume we know what’s being said, and form a conclusion without being certain.

Kids of all ages want to be heard by their parents. Little moments of check-in provide them connection and guidance. But we get busy. There’s never much time to stop and listen, even when we believe that listening to our kids is vital to the task of good parenting.

When she was not half way through third grade, my daughter struck up a conversation with me while I wasn’t really listening. The two of us were having lunch alone. She said she was having trouble with a new classmate, that the girl was being a bully. I half-heartedly offered advice, assuming I knew what was happening, “Just ignore her, Sweetie,” and I returned to my distractions. Little girls can be bossy. No big deal.

She (uncharacteristically) erupted in sobs and tears.

What followed was an important discussion I needed to hear. She said, “Kids break rules or act rude all the time. I can handle that. But this is different. She doesn’t act like other kids. This is confusing. This is too hard for me figure out.” And then she followed with, “Teachers don’t listen. They don’t help us. They just tell us to work it out. Grown-ups never listen to kids.” My daughter and her friends had tried to approach the teachers on their third grade team and ask for help, and each time they were brushed off in the same distracted way that I had done. So they went to their parents and got the brush off again.

I realized that if I failed to listen this time, that if I didn’t listen well to what felt overwhelming to her, she might not come to me next time. Third graders don’t face many things they can’t handle and it probably would have worked out okay, but what would she learn about the value coming to me? Was she likely to try again when she was thirteen, or twenty-one? And what would she assume about how I valued her? Did this conversation show her that her worries are important to me? 

Tips for Tuning-in:
•    Put down what you’re doing, even if only for a few minutes.
•    Make eye contact.
•    Be truly curious about what your child wants you to understand.
•    Let go of your previous expectations and your assumptions, and know that you don’t know.
•    Wonder what it’s like to feel what s/he is feeling.
•    Find him/her fascinating.
•    Say to yourself, “This conversation is important because…”
•    Let the interaction run its course before you go back to your previous activity.

Listening to our kids ensures they receive guidance when life throws them problems above their level to solve. Listening ensures that they know to whom they can reach out. Our listening assures them they have valuable things to say and that they are valuable to us. And aren’t those things we want them to know?