Parents: Why That ______ Worrying You Isn't So Bad

Fill in the blank above with the thing that’s stressing you out right now about raising your kid. You know, that thing that’s nagging at you. It’s been keeping you up at night with worry. If your child is a toddler, you’re fretting about the temper tantrums, the sleep schedule, or the adjustment to a new baby in the family. Or if you’re parenting a school-aged child, you’re concerned about those reading skills or that social adjustment.

For parents of teens and young adults, it’s the belly button ring, the fender bender, the college essay, or the boyfriend/girlfriend calling after midnight.

Whatever goes in that blank for you, it might feel like the end of the world. It might feel like, “If we don’t work this out, this child won’t be normal.” Or “If my kid goes forth down this path, his/her life is never going to turn out well.”

But you’re probably wrong.

If you’re worrying about your kids, guess what? You’re probably a pretty good parent. Worrying is a sign you take your parenting job seriously. So, good work! As children grow up stage-by-stage, parents are constantly encountering changes in our job descriptions. It’s natural to feel uncertain, even worried. But most of the time, the things we worry about turn out just fine.

Worrying probably won’t help you solve any problems. In fact, it might create a few extra problems for you. Worrying can make parents hover over the crib of a sleeping infant wondering why she’s not falling asleep, and thus inadvertently make it harder for her to sleep naturally. Worrying can take parents up to the elementary school where they argue with teachers over standardized test scores. Or back at home worrying can make parents fuss at kids who feel too tired to review the spelling words one more time before bed. Worrying can make parents hold a college drop out at home until he proves he is a grown up, rather than allowing him to stumble and fall (and learn) on his own out in the world.

In the end, your only goal as a parent is to launch a functional adult.

Functional adults have weathered tantrums, peer problems, failing grades, had tattoos removed, and have driven around in dented cars. When they are young, even the most functional adults make mistakes, and your kid is bound to make a few before leaving home.

Tolerate the mistakes- yours when they are young, and theirs when they are older. Understand the road is bumpy. Courageously relinquish control.

10 Reasons I’m Grateful This Morning. What’s Your List?

Every week, I write a blog post, and much of the content is heavy. I write about mental health: disparities in care, coping with illness, and professionals fighting for our patients’ rights. I write about parenting: stages of development, the importance of providing structure, discipline and love so kids can grow up with the best chance at psychological wellness. But today, I woke up to write and I felt light. Today I feel full of gratitude.

Gratitude is the best. Read anything on feeling good, whether written by a physician, a life coach, a religious guru, or a mom blogger, and you’ll read that counting your blessings is good medicine. Yet sometimes, counting blessings is a chore. And then once in a while comes a day when you wake up feeling full of awareness of the blessings in your life. Well, today is one of those days for me. 

Here’s my list of reasons I feel blessed on this beautiful spring morning. What’s yours?

1.    The sun is shining, the birds are singing, and the spring flowers are starting to bloom.
Here in the Texas hill country, we start seeing bluebonnets this time of year. Between the morning birds that woke me, and the bluebonnets blooming on the side of the road, the renewal of spring is everywhere. I love spring.
2.    There is a sleeping dog on the bed next to me.
I sat down to write, and there is a little black dog lying on the bed beside me with her eyes closed. She’s a mischievous pup most of the time. Open the door without taking special care, and she runs off to escape the fence and make trouble in a neighbor’s yard. But this morning, she’s dosing and docile. 
3.    I received a random text message from an old friend today, just saying, “I’m thinking of you.”
Random contacts from friends are the best, and this morning I had two. But one was extra special- a friend I don’t see much, but think of often. And this morning, she reached out just to say “hello.” How very kind.
4.    Working with committed, passionate professionals.
My second morning contact was from a colleague, a wonderful, passionate therapist just checking in on the folks we mutually provide care for. Anytime a mental health professional can get a colleague on the phone to collaborate, it’s a wonderful blessing, indeed!
5.    Starting a new adventure this week and much of the work is done.
This week, my life is changing. I’m opening a new mental health urgent care/ after hours clinic, taking walk-in traffic, and trying to fill a much needed gap in the mental health community. The adventure starts tomorrow, and I’m ready.
6.    Watching while kids grow in to the next stage.
On the way out the door to school, I spotted something incredible: My teenager had written himself a reminder note and posted it one the bathroom mirror. Unprompted, unsupervised. It’s a glorious morning for sure!
7.    Laughter in the car in the morning.
I love to hear my kids laugh. I don’t know what got them going this morning, but they were rolling and writhing thunderously for ten minutes solid. I couldn’t help but laugh along even though I never heard the joke. 
8.    Lunch with a surrogate Dad.
Mentors are always a source for gratitude. For a busy professional to take the time to connect, teach, support… That one fills me with gratitude all the way to the top.
9.    Supportive people all around me.
I’m not sure how I managed to be surrounded by so many amazing people. I can’t take any credit. One by one, incredible people have stumbled into my life and hung around. Friends, colleagues, employees, and family. Wow! I’m grateful for every one of them.
10.    Health, stability, love, passion, hard work realized, and anticipation of what comes next.
Maybe most of all, I woke this morning feeling grateful after months of unbelievable hard work. Now the heavy lifting is finished, things are in place upon a solid foundation built by all the people and scenarios listed above, and the fun can begin.

11 Reasons to Drop Everything and Go Have Fun With Your Kids

Spring break for a family comes as an oasis in the seemingly never-ending school year. But while kids are all too ready for a break from school, even when parents take time off from work for the week, we can find it hard to unplug from our responsibilities. With smartphones (those tiny computers in our pockets that make it possible to read emails from anywhere), we can work on days off. But should we?

Here are reasons we should all ignore those expense reports and dirty dishes, and put off the To Do list until next week:

1. Because laughter is good for our health
    From heart health to mental health, studies have long shown that having a good laugh is good for our health. And who better to make us laugh than our silly kiddos?

2. Because work can wait
    While it may feel like the office can’t afford a day without us, that’s probably untrue. The sense of urgency we feel is more about perception than reality.

3. Because we can stress again later (and probably will)
    Life is stressful enough without stressing on days off. There is plenty if opportunity to fret about work during workdays, and no value in stressing on days away from the office.

4. Because our kids will only be this age for a little while
    Kids grow through stages of development at alarming rates. We have to stop and enjoy them as often as possible, knowing that very soon we will be nostalgic for these “good old days.”

5. Because sharing time with the people we love feels good
    Family fun is a joy for kids and parents. Taking the time to go play with them give us a much needed dose of entertainment.

6. Because we’ve been missing all the fun
    Parents seem to work, work , work. Whether we’re going to an office, or shuttling kids to activities, the business of parenting is usually work. It’s our turn to get in on some of the fun during spring break.

7. Because kids need to know they are a priority
    While we are busy providing food, shelter, and clothing, we may be forgetting to show our kids what’s most important to us: them. Putting work on hold for the family sends an important message about our priorities

8. Because going to the same old places is b-o-r-i-n-g
    Adventuring out to new places breaks the monotony of regular life, for kids and parents!

9. Because we need to tune in and be present in the moment
    Kids and parents alike benefit from mindful parental presence. They need us to stop daydreaming (and checking our devices) and be in the moment. They’ll feel more connected, and so will we.

10. Because our kids need to see us take care of ourselves
    Watching us is teaching our kids how to live like an adult. We need to make sure they see us relax and include a little self-care in the mix.

11. Because after a vacation, work efficiency improves
    Work efficiency drops as fatigue sets in. So take a break, enjoy the kids, and return to work rested and ready to get more done. 

Good Grief, Stop Shaming People! (and Dogs)

Public shaming has been in the spotlight recently via social media; parents making their children (and pets) hold up “shaming signs” for photos and then posting those on Facebook and Instagram for friends and family to view. While the pets may be equipped to move on without any harm done, humans store painful memories internally.

A father of a ten-year-old boy told me today, “I want to shame him. I want him to be sorry for what he did. I want him to learn not to make the mistake again.” 

This father may want his son to be remorseful, but he probably does not want him to be truly ashamed. Shame, the feeling of “I am bad,” is not the same thing as regret, “I made a mistake.”

A woman referencing something she had heard discussed by a group of friends said, “I’m going to start shaming people who put their stinky feet on my seat on airplanes. Then they will learn.” 

But they won’t learn. Not from shaming. If you shame the guy with the stinky feet, you’ll hurt him, but you probably won’t teach him a lesson. He will feel wounded and maybe he will lash out at you. Or perhaps he will chug down a couple of alcoholic drinks on the plane to get rid of the “I am bad” feeling. Or maybe he will buy himself a bag of cookies and binge on those during his stopover. But he won’t be likely to learn.

Remorse teaches regret. If you want others to feel regret, embarrassment and public attacks are not the way. Shame leads to self-loathing; and self-loathing can contribute to addiction, depression, eating disorders and a host of other harmful stuff. Shame is not a good teacher. Not for our children, not for other adults, not for anyone. 

If you hope to correct and unwanted behavior, try these things instead:

Give feedback.
    Feedback is saying, “This is how you your behavior affects others.” Telling someone how their actions affect others is a good way to begin a conversation about changing unwanted behavior.

Confront.
    Confrontation means telling someone what you really think. “Hey, please don’t put your feet on my chair. I think you’re being very rude.”

Ask for change.
    If someone you know is repeatedly rude or insensitive, tell the person how s/he affects you, and then ask them to change. Saying which behavior you would like to see instead increases the likelihood you’ll see a change.

Be straightforward. Don’t hint.
    Saying what you really mean, in a direct way, can help change behavior. Telling a stranger who cut in line, “Ma’am, the line starts back there. We have been waiting here,” is more likely to get the person to the back of the line than muttering under your breath, “Look at that! Can you believe her nerve?” Most people who are engaging in unwanted behavior are less aware than you may assume. Come right out with it, explain your concerns clearly.

Have the conversation privately.
    Above all, give your feedback and request change in a respectfully private manner. Publicly embarrassing someone for wrongdoing is not necessary, or helpful. Handle the situation the way you would like it handled if the offensive behavior was coming, unknowingly, from you.